Something POSITIVE!

All right. So there's no one to blame but myself. I haven't been going out to auditions for what I believe to be quite some time, even though it's only been 2 months since I've worked last. With that said I've been taking for granted how difficult auditioning really is.

And you know what? I miss it! I miss the headache of researching material and the repetitive line memorization techniques and the all out nerve wracking process of generals...

I went to audition for a theater company today that was casting their entire season (which is normal) and I brought a piece that I transcribed from a television show. For the first time in a long time I was absolutely frigid with nervousness while in the waiting room. "Have I got my lines down cold?", "Did I warm up enough?", "I should have broken this scene down more.", "Am I over analyzing this?!"

But you know what? As soon as I stepped one foot in the auditioning room and looked across at the 7 or 8 directors/assistant directors/producers/etc. behind the table everything went out the window. All of the years of training kicked in and I was on! They all laughed (not fake laughed) at the material and even took the time afterward to ask me "Wow! What was that from? That was great!" And I hustled out of there with this overwhelming feeling of "Holy crap! I did it! I got back on the horse after all this time and I feel great!" Not only did I make an impression but they actually enjoyed my performance!

I didn't get a call back.

But that's not really what I cared about. While driving home I felt on top of the world because instead of sitting at home watching television thinking "I could do that better" I got off my ass and performed new work for a group of people and I know they enjoyed it. So what if I don't look the part--that I can't change. But this audition was that shot of adrenaline that I psychologically needed so badly for so long and I didn't realize it until it happened.

I got out of my car, smoked a cigarette, and threw up almost immediately afterward. Ate a couple bites of a sandwich and my stomach has been nauseous the rest of the day.

But psychologically I still feel great! And you know what? That's how I know I love what I do. :)